open

so today i was packing up my desk and i'm happy to report that seven odd years of stuff neatly fit into one paper box and another two small boxes - none of which are full. and countless trashcans, of course. someone walked up after lunch and said, 'oh wow, have you been working on this for a while?' and i replied, 'no, i just started about 15 minutes ago.'

i was nearly done.

then i went and led the weekly cross functional meeting i birthed into the organization a year and a half ago. it started as a small group of people who actually had to get things done. those of us with the shovels and wheelbarrows for the proverbial shit coming down the proverbial hill. there were 7 of us. we met at a table in my office. now there are upwards of 20 people on the weekly meeting invite and we generate more shit than we shovel. so, when i adjourned the meeting for the last time today, i happily brushed my hands of it and went home.

and an hour later i felt sort of invisible. and nervous.

for all the times i've wanted to be invisible and all the times i've wanted to disappear into the carpet squares; today i left feeling a medley of emotions just under the surface.

relief. freedom. glee. apprehension. anonymity. uncertainty. insecurity. fear.

i haven't ever been quite in this position and while i'm looking very much forward to the next phase, the ambiguity is a little nerve-wracking. i found myself asking haley for a schedule to time we don't ever schedule. i found myself wanting routine around that which is by nature spontaneous. i found myself wanting pattern in places i usually free-style.

because i'm terrified of all this open space and time.

d: keep it open.
b: i am open to what i want.
g: no more shoveling at the bottom of that hill.