de ja vu

i wonder if i'll ever fully trust my body again.

aches in my chest are never first attributed to yesterday's workout. shortness of breath is never simply due to congestion.

my hormones are generally whack - creating unpredictable rises and dips, i won't use the word 'cycle' because that would imply a pattern. fatigue sets down upon me with the force of a sledge hammer and every time it happens it brings de ja vu.

then it passes and my hormones balance out and i think, 'oh that explains it..' and my energy and mood and aches all go back to 'normal'. whatever 'normal' is, for me.

sometimes i imagine that my blood is thickening and clotting in my body.. forming little globs that are just waiting for the most opportune moment to lodge somewhere debilitating and make themselves known to me. again. that's probably nuts. and probably not the sort of thing i should be using my creative mind to create; and i certainly am not trying to.

but then again, i wasn't trying to before either. and it was happening. for a long time and i was walking around and doing my thing. i was working, mothering, playing, and going on about my day to day life without a thought in the world about what my blood was doing in my body. why would i think about that, after all? i was healthy. i thought.

i am healthy. i don't feel very good tonight. but i guess this is all part of normal.

d: less de ja vu.
b: i am healthy.
g: this will pass.